So….today has been rather interesting….

Lot on my mind today….kinda running through the gamut of emotions a bit. Started off depressed and not wanting to do a lot….not wanting to eat much (really been eating poorly in general lately, like a meal a day most days mixed with sweets, and if I did eat more a lot of junk food. yesterday was the first time I really ate two fairly decent meals and even then the 2nd one wasn’t huge), still kinda fighting those feelings but now that’s sorta tempered with a different feeling….

I’ll keep it short for now but needless to say if I act on it….it will bring about the biggest change of my life….one that I’m more than ready for I think, but simultaneously scares the ever loving shit out of me as well. Stay tuned…..may well be taking a huge leap of faith in the near future.

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So hello again wordpress….

Been a spell since I’ve posted here hasn’t it? Been over a year to be precise about it…had initially set out for big things with this..and obviously that just didn’t happen. I got lazy, I got tired, unmotivated, whatever you want to call it, I got it…and thus this site just became forgotten about until now.

I’m not gonna put any specifics on things this time around, if there’s anything I’ve learned over my 28 years and change of being alive it’s that anytime I promise something….chances are good it may not necessarily happen in the timeframe I say it does…if it happens at all. I am trying to become better at that, but just the same, I’m not gonna promise anything here for that reason and instead just blog as I feel the need and desire to. Could be daily, could be weekly, could be monthly, just depends. I definitely intend to do it a lot more often but as I said…I’m not always the best at holding promises, not as much as I’d like to be anyway.

So with all that said….what brought me back to this is simply….I need a change, and I need it pretty badly. As I said above I am 28 years old right now, 29 come November….and I really have not much to show for my life. Have lived at home (with grandmother and mother currently) for my entire life….really haven’t worked a lot so really little money to my name….and anytime I have wanted to do something….even up to the start of this year (which is part of what has pushed me to come back here to begin with to kinda start over again a bit) it never has gone far. I’ll be so into it at the start and then…..it just kinda dies and goes uncompleted/unrealized. Some of that goes back to the issue with promises really, I get too involved in things too fast, and next thing I know I’m in over my head. It’s not a good thing at all for me on multiple levels.

Anyway, as time passes and I get older….I realize more and more the need to make something of myself…only thing is figuring out what, why and how. I can’t stay here forever I know that, (and really living here is very toxic anyway which is a topic all by itself) I have to do something somewhere. I have plenty of interests, it’s just the actual getting going with one that is the issue and always has been. I need to do something though, pick something, and actually see it through for a change. Committing to blogging may help that, or at least I hope it can, that is my goal at least for now with it. I just know though I need something…anything is better than just aimlessly floating around like I’ve been.

I guess that’s kinda it for now….I would like to give a quick shout out to a woman I met just this week through browsing periscope, by the name of Meredyth Lynn (whose websites are: http://www.judgementsarefatal.com/https //imyourfieryhobbit.wordpress.com/ and then on twitter at @preCUMDOMcupied (which is also her periscope handle) ) who pushed me a bit to get back into this again through her own story and telling how writing/blogging helped her. So thank you for that Meredyth very much. But beyond that, that’s about it for the time being. Thanks for reading and I’ll see you all around next time. 🙂

 

 

 

 

A week of new beginnings…..part 1

NOTE: This is part 1 of what will end up being a 2 part post here most likely, with part 2 coming soon. I hadn’t intended on formatting it this way….but once I started writing as often tends to happen with me when I get motivated….things just kept coming. So rather than add another topic onto an already fairly long post, I decided to break this post up with each post covering one topic specifically.

Since I made my first post over a week ago (my apologies for not posting sooner as I’ve been meaning to update and intend to do so as regularly as I can though I can make no promises on timeframe), I have begun to make a few changes as I begin this healing process……hoping to stick with them this time around as opposed to previous attempts where the changes would be great for a while before I’d revert back to old habits.

The big one, relates to food….for the longest time, I have not eaten that great, either in what I’ve been eating (read: a LOT of processed, boxed, bagged, junk foods in essence, the existence of which I believe is a huge problem in our culture and is in part the cause of some of our physical problems we are facing today) in or the quantity of food I’ve been eating day to day.

Neither aspect of my diet has been good for me…..and in the case of the food quantities….it has almost become a borderline eating disorder to be totally honest about it. There has been many days where I’d either get so busy trying to work done that I wouldn’t eat for hours at a time…..or I’d get distracted by various things online (this at times impacts my sleep habits as well….been known to say I was gonna go bed at 4am…(planning to make myself sleep after I post this at just after 5am now) and next thing I knew it was 10am and I hadn’t gone to bed, leading to me sleeping the day away that day and feeling like shit for it), or I’d just get so depressed or not liking the options we had in the house (again processed foods) that I didn’t really feel like eating and I’d in effect starve myself a bit.

It would change from day to day…sometimes I’d eat okay, 3 square somewhere….sometimes I’d eat less, and sometimes hardly much at all though generally I’d eventually eat something but just not a lot for the overall day. Bottom line though is, it just wasn’t consistent and it was hurting me and my body. I tried for a brief period to change that not too long ago, and was doing decently for a short period, but….it just didn’t last (my worst habit I’d say or one of em, letting myself fall back into old habits easily.)

I have set to change that now though….have made it a point this week to start eating regularly throughout the days, beginning as soon as I wake up (that first meal is always key and sets the tone for your body for the rest of that day after it fasts as you sleep)….and have managed to stick with it so far, on about day 5 of the change and am getting adjusted as I go along. I’ve kept it fairly simple, lot of eggs, meat (bought a shit ton of barbeque over the weekend at the start of all this….(btw I do curse from time to time so be forewarned if that type of thing offends you) just to make sure I had stuff for a few days as it’s much easier to wanna eat if I know I have good stuff than if I’m going on what else we got which isn’t always a lot) potatoes, that type of thing, just stuff to get me eating and eating as decent as I can based on my circumstances. I’ve kinda wanted to do so much in the past (ie: cook everything homemade, try this recipe and that recipe (got so many bookmarked wouldn’t know where to start), eat everything organic, etc etc) but I have to start where I am…..all the rest can come later, but the first step is just eating….so that’s what I’ve been working on this week, simplifying everything down to that. I’m doing my best to make sure I am eating well and limiting my consumption of said processed foods where I can as  definitely wanna cut a lot of that from my diet as I go forward in lieu of more real foods, but….I am not overcomplicating things too much right now…main focus is just getting that routine of consistent eating down…and then going from there.

I have to take this one step at a time, something I need to keep in mind. If I forget that I tend to overwhelm myself, and then I shut down completely which isn’t good obviously. Patience is definitely key here….perspective as well. I’ll get where I need to be with it all eventually….but if I try to do it all at once….I’ll inevitably fail as I can’t. My approach right now is much better I think. It’s all about creating the habit right now, making it to where it just becomes something I don’t think about anymore as a friend put it recently, and just do….and that’s what I am doing, making it one meal, one day, one week at a time. I’ll make it….somehow someway I will because I won’t let myself not, I refuse.

Introduction……

So….where to start? I’ve never done this before..so this is entirely new for me to make myself this vulnerable. I’ve been considering doing this for a while…..after a woman I know on Twitter who goes by the name of Sarah Blake (thank you for the inspiration 🙂 ) started blogging and vlogging about her experiences in healing from abuse when she was a kid…(you can check that out here http://abusesurvivorblog.com/ and also on her youtube channel if you so choose here: https://www.youtube.com/user/sarahblakeinc), but kinda hesitated for a while….until today. I feel it’s time…..

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Adam. As the name of this page states, this is a blog about my journey to self healing….healing that is much needed. I am 27 years old, and live just outside of Detroit, Michigan with my mother and grandmother. I have been here all my life and frankly, I need a change, and need one badly.

Everything in my life right now is way out of whack….from sexual energy and how I release that energy….to relationships…(some of this intersects with sex), to diet, to finances….and well just about everything in between. I’ll write more as I go surely. I really cannot keep living this way….it is killing me from the inside out. I am hoping this blog will help me as I go along trying to fix everything that is and has been my life…that getting it out, keeping a diary of everything that is happening within me as it happens will help me to keep going even when I don’t want to, and keep me accountable somewhere when I am struggling.

This is one of the hardest things I’ve perhaps ever done in my life…I’ve myspaced before….facebooked, twittered..put bits and pieces of me out there for people to see, including some of the dark times….but nothing quite as public as this blog….I am really self conscious about myself as those who know me well enough know….so please bear with me and be patient with me as I write here. I don’t know how often I’ll write or to what lengths, but….I hope to use this as the catapult to the beginning of the rest of my life.

Thanks in advance to all who choose to go on this journey with me….here goes nothing.